My Story: Miscarriages, Part 4

The 3rd time’s a charm, right?  Well, not for me!

On July 10, 2007 I had my 3rd positive pregnancy test in 8 months.

For 18 days I was hopeful, but scared.  I didn’t lift anything heavy for fear of causing a miscarriage.  I immediately stopped drinking caffeine.  I did anything I could think of to keep this baby alive.

However, on July 29th, I realized that I had lost this baby too.

I couldn’t believe it!  So many questions were going through my mind.  Why is this happening?  What am I doing wrong?  How do I fix this?  Will I ever be able to have more children?

I started to ask my doctor these questions.  I was told that they don’t really start looking for any medical issues until someone has had 4 or 5 miscarriages.  WHAT?  So I needed to go through this emotionally draining experience again before they will start to look for a cause?  I was frustrated to say the least!

I was under a lot of stress at work and I wondered if that could be affecting my ability to carry a baby to term.  My husband and I started talking about the possibility of me switching from full time work to part time and what that would mean for our family and our finances.

Our son, who was 3 1/2 at the time, had been in daycare since he was 11 weeks old.  With the thought that he might be our only child bouncing around in my head, I realized that I didn’t want to miss out on any more time with him.  I wanted to enjoy his early years without the stress of work always hanging over me.

My husband and I decided that it would be best if I stepped down from my position as vice-president.  In September I started working 3 days a week and it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made!  I enjoyed that extra time with my son more than I thought I would.

The pain of my miscarriages was still there and I still feel it to this day, but that pain helped me to appreciate the miracle that my son is and no matter how crazy he makes me, I am grateful for him every single day.


 

Here are the first 3 posts in this series.

My Story, Miscarriages:  Part 1
My Story, Miscarriages:  Part 2
My Story, Miscarriages:  Part 3


If you are going through the heartbreak of miscarriage and would like to chat with someone who knows what you are going through, please leave your email address in the comments and I will contact you.  

My Story: Miscarriages, Part 3

After my first miscarriage in December of 2006, I was disappointed, angry, and scared.

I was disappointed that the baby we had conceived would never be born.  I was angry that there was nothing I could do about it.  I was scared that it would happen again.

Yet, I was hopeful that the next time I got pregnant I would carry and deliver a healthy baby.

I took a pregnancy test on April 5, 2007 and it was positive.  I was excited, but guarded with my excitement because I was fearful that it would end the same way my last pregnancy did.

I called my doctor and scheduled an appointment for Wednesday, April 25.

I was so happy and hopeful when I made it to my appointment without any complications.  They confirmed that I was pregnant and that things were progressing normally.  I was still guarded, but my hopes were beginning to rise.

Until the next morning when I had some spotting.  I called my doctor and they said it could simply be from the exam I had the previous day.  They wanted me to go for blood work and an ultrasound on Monday, the 30th.

The ultrasound confirmed that I lost this baby too.

The ultrasound technician and the doctor were kind and sympathetic.  Again the doctor advised that I should wait a month before trying again.

All I could think was, why?!?  What am I doing wrong?  Am I causing these miscarriages?  Are we not meant to have any more children?

I was so grateful to have my son to focus on because without him I could have easily been totally consumed by my thoughts and my self-blame.

If you are going through the heartbreak of miscarriage and would like to chat with someone who knows what you are going through, please leave your email address in the comments and I will contact you.  

If you missed the first two posts of this series, please click the links below.

My Story:  Miscarriages, Part 1

My Story:  Miscarriages, Part 2

 

My Story: Miscarriages, Part 2

After our oldest child was born, there were many days that my husband and I thought that we couldn’t handle any more children.  Our son was a tough baby.  He was colicky.  He never slept, and by that I mean he would wake up 8 or 10 times a night and he only napped if we were in the car.  He was sick with colds, ear infections, and stomach bugs quite often.

I was working full time and he was in daycare which contributed to the poor sleep habits and frequent illnesses.

Some of you are probably thinking, “Well that’s just life with a baby!”, but as first time parents, we couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

He had a great personality and we loved being with him, but we really needed some good quality sleep.  Until that happened, we couldn’t considered growing our family.

When he was about 18 months, things started to get better and by the time his second birthday rolled around, we were ready to add to our family.

So when I took a pregnancy test on December 3, 2006 and it was positive, I was beyond excited!  Not only were we happy to know that I was pregnant, but we were also relieved that it didn’t take us long to conceive.  (It had taken us 18 months to conceive our oldest, but that another story for another post.)

I immediately started dreaming and planning for this new little life growing inside of me.  Then two days later, I learned that I would not be carrying this pregnancy to term.

I was devastated!  My husband was upset too, but it was different for him.  He hadn’t made a connection with the baby yet, but I had.  In two short days, I had so many thoughts about who this baby would be.  What (s)he would look like.  What (s)he would be when (s)he grew up.  I thought about everything that this little life could possibly be or achieve.

The one thing I never thought about was losing this baby.  The thought simply never occurred to me.

Yes I knew that miscarriage was always a possibility.  My first pregnancy was uneventful (until the delivery, which again is another story for another post).  I knew only one or two other women that had a miscarriage.  So miscarriage just wasn’t something I was worried about.

I called my doctor’s office.  They told me that I should go through a monthly cycle (so that I would have a LMP date to reference) and then we could try again.  They were polite but not very sympathetic.

Luckily I had my husband and my son to help me go through the heartbreak I was feeling.  Little did I know how many times I would need to lean on them during the next few years.

If you are going through the heartbreak of miscarriage and would like to chat with someone who knows what you are going through, please leave your email address in the comments and I will contact you.  

If you missed part 1 of this series please click here to read it.

My Story: Miscarriages, Part 1

As I sit here in a quiet house at 10:10 am on a Thursday morning, I can’t help but feel nostalgic.  The house is quiet because for the first time I have three children in school (4th grade, kindergarten and preschool) and my youngest is napping.

I’m wondering where the last nine years have gone.  It feels like just yesterday that I brought each one home from the hospital, yet it also feels like we’ve been a family of six forever.

I’m thinking about all of the wonderful fun we’ve had and all of the painful moments we’ve shared.

I wouldn’t change a thing about our family.  Nothing.  My kids drive me crazy sometimes.  Okay quite often.  But I wouldn’t trade any of them in for anything in the world!

However, I can’t help but wonder what our family would look like if I had known then what I know now.

I’ve had six miscarriages.  Yes, you read that correctly, SIX.

Each lost baby holds a special place in my heart.  Even to this day, I still mourn each loss.

I’ve been looking for a way to honor them for years and I think I’ve finally found it.  Over the next six weeks, I’m going to share their stories here on my blog regardless of how short that story may be.  (I will also share my pregnancy and birth stories of each of my children over the course of the next year around their birthdays.)

Their stories are part of my story.  They have shaped me into who I am today.  I strongly believe that everything that happens in life happens for a reason.  These lost babies help to remind me how precious my four children are.  They are a blessing, a gift, a miracle.

I hope that their stories will let other women who have suffered a miscarriage know that they are not alone.  I felt that way with each loss.  My husband was there by my side, but as much as he tried to understand he just couldn’t.  He didn’t know what it felt like to know that a person was growing inside you.  He didn’t know what it felt like to think that you are somehow responsible for the loss.

If you’ve had a miscarriage and are comfortable sharing, please comment below.  I would love to hear your story.  If you know someone else that has felt the loss of miscarriage, please share this with them so that they know they are not alone.